Typically holidays bring about a flurry of activity. There's something about knowing the day is marked on the calendar that makes it important. We usually feel the need to make the day count. But is activity and busyness the only way to do that? I happen to think there's another way to do this.
So, here's my reflection on how to approach not only the holidays, but as many days as you can manage to do so...
Try this: 1. Sit. 2. Breathe. 3. Focus Or as we say in Integrative Wisdom...
Go SLO=W Stop. Listen. Observe. Wisdom appears.
1. Sit... preferably outside and alone. Not distracted by people or electronic devices or social media.
2. Breathe...No fancy techniques like counting in and out or alternate nostril breath. Simply noticing your chest rise and fall as you breathe. Focusing on paying attention as you breathe and how good it feels to do this.
3. Focus...However, one distraction that is approved and even encouraged is nature. The crow sitting so still in the tree overhead. The butterfly seeming to appear out of nowhere, soaring higher and higher until its out of sight. The countless birds you don't see but can hear...blue jay, mockingbird, and even little humming bird. Eyes feasting on the seemingly endless array of colors, colors that evoke smiles and sighs of contentment. Fragrances that waft up and fill us with their unique scent.
It is interesting to note that sitting and breathing and being distracted in this way does not feel like distraction. Rather, it feels like one is able to center and touch that deep place within, that soul place we may only visit now and again. It is in this space that peace can be found. Here we can feel encouraged to return again to that bustling world of distraction and busyness, that all-consuming-if-we-allow-it world.
Practicing this leads to a sense of empowerment and inner calm. It doesn't seem to matter as much that the house just never seems to be clean or organized enough. It seems that compassion is easier to practice for those in our care who need us to be our best selves for their best life. We can find ourselves finding the humor in even the toughest moments.
It is as if by sitting and breathing and focusing on the wildness of creation, our better nature, our soul is able to shine forth. Our carefully constructed persona that is usually in control gets to take its mini vacation from its self appointed role of gatekeeper. The soul gets to show itself, to peak out from that deep place and dance in the day to day comings and goings.
It is true for me that the more I follow this practice, the more my soul, my true nature, shines forth. I am kinder and more patient and more present and more peaceful, calm, and happy. That is why I don't consider it a waste of time to sit and "do nothing". I recognize this is a healing practice and basic medicine for my being.
To add to that, this practice affects all who cross my path. I can tell you for sure, when I am living from that soul place, I am much easier to be around. As you celebrate the holiday and every other day, I hope you too will take some time to sit, to breathe, to focus...and to allow nature to fill you up with a dose of healing medicine. Happy Fourth!
While it would seem that this special day set aside to pay tribute to our beloved moms would evoke happy and loving memories, it is surprising how many distressing feelings it also brings up. As I was contemplating writing this post, I observed how many others were also writing and how the topic was skewed towards those who suffered even just thinking about the upcoming day that has many of us hyper-focused on mothers. Interesting, I thought.
I began to observe my own emotions leading up to today. I first thought about my mom and how she is grieving the recent loss of two cherished family members, her sister in law who mom said was "friend before she was family", and her baby brother Gary who wasn't yet 65 years old. As I thought of this, I thought of my cousins who today may be wishing they had their mom back for one more celebration day. Then I realized I was thinking of all the other women I know whose moms have been gone now for years and who still share how very much they miss talking to them as well as the friends whose losses are very fresh and how this day brings them right back to the emotion of loss.
As I think about this, I then go back to my mom, who might be thinking about the fact that it's been five years since she has received a call from my brother and how she will never get another call. And then I think of all the women I know who have lost a child and for whom this day is bittersweet.
Ah bittersweet. Perhaps a very fitting word for this day.
I think about my sons, two fine men who have families of their own and who I know I will not see today. I think about how I miss them and I think about not wanting to burden them with my emotional ties to this cultural day of obligation. Come see your mother...a dose of guilt does not really make one eligible for Mother of the Year. And yet...I smile to think of how my youngest son sent me a Mother's Day Groupon gift yesterday and how this morning the first post I see on FB is written by my oldest telling me that he loves me and appreciates me. My heart feels all tingly as I enjoy these connections across the miles. (And the PS to this is that I won't be going to see my mom today and oh dear how does that make her feel or me too as I can also feel guilty for not getting in the car and driving to see her!)
As I write these words, I hear my mother in law puttering about downstairs. I think of all those mothers with dementia, who no longer have a handle on special days, much less knowing any day of the week. Those of us with mothers who have dementia also suffer a unique loss. Mom is there, but she really isn't. It's someone else who inhabits her body and who we have to get to know in a new way. We grieve the mom we were born with and try to celebrate who she is now as a precious child, albeit one who doesn't realize the roles are now reversed. Again, the thread of loss weaves through this day.
I've also thought about expectations that rise up on this day, especially with social media advertising every move we make. It seems to be part of the human condition to compare, and seeing the array of flowers, candy, dinners, etc. that others receive may cause envy to rear it's ugly head. Who got what? Who went where? Is it possible to be grateful for the day I have while looking at all those other ways that every other mother was feted and celebrated? If we stop and look deeply of course we remember that things are not what this day is about. We know this but yet we may have just a minute of the blah's.
It does no good to pretend that we don't have these feelings and thoughts. In fact, ignoring them can make them rise up even stronger. If this is true, then what might be a good approach to this day of mixed emotions? Typically, the first step is recognizing how we are feeling, allowing all the thoughts to have a chance to be heard. What happens next is very important. We can either stay in this place or we can consciously choose to move on.
I recommend taking time to create a ceremony. A special ceremony to acknowledge all the mixed and bittersweet emotions of the day. Light a candle and write down or speak out loud from your heart about the sorrow and the pain, the envy and loss. Then, breathing deeply, placing your hands on your heart, let the tears fall.
Then! Then, wipe your eyes and take a few breaths. Look around you and find three things that bring a smile to your face. Use this phrase as a starter: I am grateful for...
Write down at the very least three things but better yet to keep going. Write until your fingers hurt. Write until you run out of paper. Write and realize how this day is really about much more than we have given it credit for. This Mother's Day is really about...
Well? What is this day really about for you? Take a second to think about that.
For me, I guess I have moved into this place of Mother's Day as That Day In Which All Of Us Are Mother. Perhaps then, Mother's Day is really about the bigger picture. Giving birth to a life filled with creativity and vision and dreams. We can all do that. In fact, maybe that is what we are all called to do. Maybe we are all called to be mothers. Whether male or female, we are all called to be Mother and are expected to give birth to the wisdom within.
What are you called to give birth to this day?
As this reflection comes to an end, I am sending you warm thoughts whether you are a "Mother" or a Mother and I am hoping that you enjoy the gift of today with whatever it might bring. Here's to you and all your creative offspring both born and waiting to see the light of day.
