Today
I noticed my nephew posted on social media about the memories of his life prior
to the death of his wife popping up on his news feed and how these memories were “kicking his butt”, or something to that
effect. And as I looked at the photo he
shared, I was brought back to that time, before his wife died, and how things
were. Looking at the photo, recalling
the first time I saw it, I was transported back into the happiness of the
moment. Yes, that feeling was followed
by the sadness of knowing she is no longer alive. But, I was so grateful for the opportunity to
remember her and the joy and the laughter and the love. And in some strange way, even grateful for the sadness of
missing her.
Here
in our mainstream culture, it is not seemly to allow the death of someone close
to us to take up too much of our most valuable time. Hence the admonitions to “get on with your
life”, to “get over it”, to “buck up”, and the like are often bandied about to
those who are grieving. Most of the
time, it’s because they don’t like to feel those difficult emotions. And we who have experienced loss would
agree. We don’t want to remember what we
no longer have. We want to pretend as if
we can get on with life just fine. Our
loved one is lost to us. And since we
can’t find them again, we should move on. We want this for those we love too. Let’s face it, we don’t want to see them cry,
much less bawl their eyes out expressing raw emotion.
Today’s
post reflects on a few things that have come together for me this week. First, I am two-thirds of the way through
Stephen Jenkinson’s book, Die Wise. https://orphanwisdom.com/
This
book is not for the casual reader. Stephen writes deep and he takes you along
for that dive. Second, to give my brain
a break, I started reading a book about Margaret Fuller. Well, as synchronicity would have it, the book begins with her death. And not just her death,
but her death by drowning at sea with no body to be found, no body to grieve over. Holy Moly.
And
third, I am working on my next Integrative Wisdom gathering, “Grief Demands a
Voice”. As I place myself in the dream
time and imagine what shape this gathering will take, my heart and my soul are plunged
into our society’s struggle with these deep feelings we hold and hide. We shove them deep into our own sea of
forgetting, hesitant to hold them up into the light, fearful we won’t survive
the depths of sorrow we find there.
I
wonder if you might be surprised to learn that the sorrow, just because it is
buried, has not died. It is still very
much alive and still demands attention and respect and VOICE. Hence, the title of the gathering. If you were to allow yourself
to think about the last person close to you who died, what would those thoughts
entail? Would it be a laundry list of
facts about the person, mundane details of how they lived and died, or would
your thoughts turn to your relationship with them?
My Dad Harvey
In
my many years of hospice work as a medical social worker, it always surprised
me that in general, we seem to think people will get nicer, kinder, smarter,
wiser, more loving, etc. as they get closer to death. Family members would ask me if this was true. I would have to be honest with them and say
that in general, people die the way they lived.
This can lead to lots of unresolved pain too. Holding on to that kind of memory can
increase the suffering felt by the one left behind. Yet, what options do we have since our loved
one is “lost” to us in death.
Stephen
says that our society has been working to get to “less dying”, as if that is
somehow possible. We put off having
discussions about our dying, we pretend that those with a terminal diagnosis
are doing “fine", we don’t talk about dying to those dying because we are afraid
we will cause them to give up trying not to die while all the time they are
still dying. And in doing this dance of
deception, important moments are stolen from us he says. Stephen says we have sorrow and grieving and
knowing about our dying stolen from us by our refusal to give any of this a
voice.
In
hospice, once a year we would hold a celebration of remembrance and invite the
families of our deceased patients to attend.
As a speaker, I would acknowledge the importance of coming to such an
event to honor their loved one, but I would then remind them that their grieving
was not over. As much as they would like
to turn away from this pain, the sorrow and grieving are part of the mystery
and gift of loving. And I would
encourage them to continue this path of mourning.
I
guess that is what I am doing by offering this gathering. I am encouraging you to step once again into
the boat and sail once again into the sea of grief. Give voice to your deceased beloved and allow
them to communicate with you once more.
Honor your grieving. Honor your
sorrow. Trust your wisdom that you have feelings
or memories or thoughts that beg for expression in a safe place. Let your memories of happiness and joy and love find expression here, even in death.
And
if you can’t join us here at The Center of Creative Transformation, please do find a safe place and continue to honor your expression of grief and loss for those
who have died.
