While it would seem that this special day set aside to pay tribute to our beloved moms would evoke happy and loving memories, it is surprising how many distressing feelings it also brings up. As I was contemplating writing this post, I observed how many others were also writing and how the topic was skewed towards those who suffered even just thinking about the upcoming day that has many of us hyper-focused on mothers. Interesting, I thought.
I began to observe my own emotions leading up to today. I first thought about my mom and how she is grieving the recent loss of two cherished family members, her sister in law who mom said was "friend before she was family", and her baby brother Gary who wasn't yet 65 years old. As I thought of this, I thought of my cousins who today may be wishing they had their mom back for one more celebration day. Then I realized I was thinking of all the other women I know whose moms have been gone now for years and who still share how very much they miss talking to them as well as the friends whose losses are very fresh and how this day brings them right back to the emotion of loss.
As I think about this, I then go back to my mom, who might be thinking about the fact that it's been five years since she has received a call from my brother and how she will never get another call. And then I think of all the women I know who have lost a child and for whom this day is bittersweet.
Ah bittersweet. Perhaps a very fitting word for this day.
I think about my sons, two fine men who have families of their own and who I know I will not see today. I think about how I miss them and I think about not wanting to burden them with my emotional ties to this cultural day of obligation. Come see your mother...a dose of guilt does not really make one eligible for Mother of the Year. And yet...I smile to think of how my youngest son sent me a Mother's Day Groupon gift yesterday and how this morning the first post I see on FB is written by my oldest telling me that he loves me and appreciates me. My heart feels all tingly as I enjoy these connections across the miles. (And the PS to this is that I won't be going to see my mom today and oh dear how does that make her feel or me too as I can also feel guilty for not getting in the car and driving to see her!)
As I write these words, I hear my mother in law puttering about downstairs. I think of all those mothers with dementia, who no longer have a handle on special days, much less knowing any day of the week. Those of us with mothers who have dementia also suffer a unique loss. Mom is there, but she really isn't. It's someone else who inhabits her body and who we have to get to know in a new way. We grieve the mom we were born with and try to celebrate who she is now as a precious child, albeit one who doesn't realize the roles are now reversed. Again, the thread of loss weaves through this day.
I've also thought about expectations that rise up on this day, especially with social media advertising every move we make. It seems to be part of the human condition to compare, and seeing the array of flowers, candy, dinners, etc. that others receive may cause envy to rear it's ugly head. Who got what? Who went where? Is it possible to be grateful for the day I have while looking at all those other ways that every other mother was feted and celebrated? If we stop and look deeply of course we remember that things are not what this day is about. We know this but yet we may have just a minute of the blah's.
It does no good to pretend that we don't have these feelings and thoughts. In fact, ignoring them can make them rise up even stronger. If this is true, then what might be a good approach to this day of mixed emotions? Typically, the first step is recognizing how we are feeling, allowing all the thoughts to have a chance to be heard. What happens next is very important. We can either stay in this place or we can consciously choose to move on.
I recommend taking time to create a ceremony. A special ceremony to acknowledge all the mixed and bittersweet emotions of the day. Light a candle and write down or speak out loud from your heart about the sorrow and the pain, the envy and loss. Then, breathing deeply, placing your hands on your heart, let the tears fall.
Then! Then, wipe your eyes and take a few breaths. Look around you and find three things that bring a smile to your face. Use this phrase as a starter: I am grateful for...
Write down at the very least three things but better yet to keep going. Write until your fingers hurt. Write until you run out of paper. Write and realize how this day is really about much more than we have given it credit for. This Mother's Day is really about...
Well? What is this day really about for you? Take a second to think about that.
For me, I guess I have moved into this place of Mother's Day as That Day In Which All Of Us Are Mother. Perhaps then, Mother's Day is really about the bigger picture. Giving birth to a life filled with creativity and vision and dreams. We can all do that. In fact, maybe that is what we are all called to do. Maybe we are all called to be mothers. Whether male or female, we are all called to be Mother and are expected to give birth to the wisdom within.
What are you called to give birth to this day?
As this reflection comes to an end, I am sending you warm thoughts whether you are a "Mother" or a Mother and I am hoping that you enjoy the gift of today with whatever it might bring. Here's to you and all your creative offspring both born and waiting to see the light of day.
