Grief Demands A Voice

Today I noticed my nephew posted on social media about the memories of his life prior to the death of his wife popping up on his news feed and how these memories  were “kicking his butt”, or something to that effect.  And as I looked at the photo he shared, I was brought back to that time, before his wife died, and how things were.  Looking at the photo, recalling the first time I saw it, I was transported back into the happiness of the moment.  Yes, that feeling was followed by the sadness of knowing she is no longer alive.  But, I was so grateful for the opportunity to remember her and the joy and the laughter and the love.  And in some strange way, even grateful for the sadness of missing her.

Here in our mainstream culture, it is not seemly to allow the death of someone close to us to take up too much of our most valuable time.  Hence the admonitions to “get on with your life”, to “get over it”, to “buck up”, and the like are often bandied about to those who are grieving.  Most of the time, it’s because they don’t like to feel those difficult emotions.  And we who have experienced loss would agree.  We don’t want to remember what we no longer have.  We want to pretend as if we can get on with life just fine.  Our loved one is lost to us.  And since we can’t find them again, we should move on.  We want this for those we love too.  Let’s face it, we don’t want to see them cry, much less bawl their eyes out expressing raw emotion.

Today’s post reflects on a few things that have come together for me this week.  First, I am two-thirds of the way through Stephen Jenkinson’s book, Die Wise.  https://orphanwisdom.com/

This book is not for the casual reader. Stephen writes deep and he takes you along for that dive.  Second, to give my brain a break, I started reading a book about Margaret Fuller.  Well, as synchronicity would have it, the book begins with her death.  And not just her death, but her death by drowning at sea with no body to be found, no body to grieve over.  Holy Moly.

And third, I am working on my next Integrative Wisdom gathering, “Grief Demands a Voice”.  As I place myself in the dream time and imagine what shape this gathering will take, my heart and my soul are plunged into our society’s struggle with these deep feelings we hold and hide.  We shove them deep into our own sea of forgetting, hesitant to hold them up into the light, fearful we won’t survive the depths of sorrow we find there.

I wonder if you might be surprised to learn that the sorrow, just because it is buried, has not died.  It is still very much alive and still demands attention and respect and VOICE.  Hence, the title of the gathering.  If you were to allow yourself to think about the last person close to you who died, what would those thoughts entail?  Would it be a laundry list of facts about the person, mundane details of how they lived and died, or would your thoughts turn to your relationship with them? 

 

My Dad Harvey

In my many years of hospice work as a medical social worker, it always surprised me that in general, we seem to think people will get nicer, kinder, smarter, wiser, more loving, etc. as they get closer to death.  Family members would ask me if this was true.  I would have to be honest with them and say that in general, people die the way they lived.  This can lead to lots of unresolved pain too.  Holding on to that kind of memory can increase the suffering felt by the one left behind.  Yet, what options do we have since our loved one is “lost” to us in death. 

Stephen says that our society has been working to get to “less dying”, as if that is somehow possible.  We put off having discussions about our dying, we pretend that those with a terminal diagnosis are doing “fine", we don’t talk about dying to those dying because we are afraid we will cause them to give up trying not to die while all the time they are still dying.  And in doing this dance of deception, important moments are stolen from us he says.  Stephen says we have sorrow and grieving and knowing about our dying stolen from us by our refusal to give any of this a voice.

In hospice, once a year we would hold a celebration of remembrance and invite the families of our deceased patients to attend.  As a speaker, I would acknowledge the importance of coming to such an event to honor their loved one, but I would then remind them that their grieving was not over.  As much as they would like to turn away from this pain, the sorrow and grieving are part of the mystery and gift of loving.  And I would encourage them to continue this path of mourning.

I guess that is what I am doing by offering this gathering.  I am encouraging you to step once again into the boat and sail once again into the sea of grief.  Give voice to your deceased beloved and allow them to communicate with you once more.  Honor your grieving.  Honor your sorrow.  Trust your wisdom that you have feelings or memories or thoughts that beg for expression in a safe place.  Let your memories of happiness and joy and love find expression here, even in death.

Grief Demands A Voice is offered November 3rd, 2018 from 10 am to 3 pm here at The Center of Creative Transformation in Escondido, Ca. $50 for the day.  Lunch included.  Details of how to prepare for the day will be sent upon registration.

And if you can’t join us here at The Center of Creative Transformation, please do find a safe place and continue to honor your expression of grief and loss for those who have died.

Wisdom Received From The Fall Gathering

Integrative Wisdom held its annual Fall Gathering on September 22^nd and 23^rd this year.  While there is space in the retreat center for ten women, only two were able to make it.  As is with most businesses, you might think this event would be cancelled due to “poor attendance”.  But Integrative Wisdom is not most businesses.  It was clear to me early on that my work was to serve, not to necessarily be financially successful.  And I adopted the mantra, “just one is enough”.  I figured that if only two women could make it this time, then there was a reason that only these two women would be here together.

And I was not wrong.  Our topic for our gathering was simply “Fall” and we gathered to create an intention for the next three months of our lives, based on where our summer had led us.  I had spent some time reading and listening to music in order to find just the right poems or quotes or songs to supplement this goal.  Here’s the first selection:

“Each moment is a place you’ve never been.”  Mark Strand

“Each act is virgin, even the repeated one.” Rene Char

“Your duty is to be; and not to be this or that.” Ramana Maharshi

As you might imagine, we had quite a robust conversation around these ideas.  And, we agreed that most of the time, we don’t follow any of these words of wisdom.  As the dialogue progressed, we opened to the possibility that we might adopt these words of wisdom as we moved into this season of “fall time”.  There was special resonance with the idea of giving ourselves permission to simply be, without having to fit into some kind of box or expectation.

I hope you will think about that for a moment before reading further.  What if you showed up to the next moment of your life as if you have never seen or experienced anything like it before?  How might your commute, your business meeting, your time with family be transformed?  I hope you try it.  Stop yourself when you say, I know what they are thinking, or I know you won’t care, or whatever other thing you say when you’ve already closed your mind to the possibilities inherent in the now.  Give another person the gift of blank slate, possibility, and wonder.  And, if in that moment, they do exactly what you thought they would do, the very act of you not expecting it will be new enough.  No need to say, I told you so.  Cause it will be different because you showed up differently.

OK, back to our gathering.  As we continued to breathe in and breathe out and as we sat in the expansiveness of peace, our hearts were open to share deeply.  And then the flow of communication intensified.  Here were two women who knew each other for years, and yet a dialogue began that was “a place they’d never been”.  One woman, a widow, sharing this journey back to wholeness and living in the now.  The other woman, sharing a cancer journey with her beloved, allowing herself to share that journey with us.  While you think one might be able to offer suggestions and advice given she has travelled that road, the consensus was:  What if this is approached from that idea “each act is a virgin act”? 

While it was acknowledged that having others who have walked a similar path share some of their experience in order to support someone else’s path, we also realized that if we believe in the idea presented in our opening quotes, there is a newness of possibility that presents itself.  This newness might have more juiciness and give more life to each day rather than waking up and saying to oneself, oh now I know what comes next. 

This was powerful to be sure.  We then moved to our next set of quotes:

“Meditate on the markings on your heart.” Mark Nepo.

“Lend yourself to others but give yourself to yourself.” Michel de Montaigne

“If you want to hold the beautiful one, hold yourself to yourself.” Rumi

Oh, now we really got into the meat of it.  So much of this journey is about others; what they need, what they want, what they expect….usually from us.  And to imagine turning inward to be as generous to one’s self?  These quotes led to some pretty deep silence and meditation.  While the wisdom contained within the quotes was recognized, it was also clear that these would take some practice to actually live day to day.  We were in agreement that this was a practice worthy of our Fall time.

We completed the day by creating a sand mandala.  The process was calming and allowed us to integrate our newfound wisdom into our souls.  We went forward, looking forward to the next few months of living in and for the NOW.

I hope you enjoyed this brief description of the Integrative Wisdom Fall Gathering.  What follows is information I passed on to our group from the book, “The Medicine Woman’s Guide To Being In Business For Yourself”, by Carol Bridges.  This book has helpful to be over the last 20 years and I still enjoy the wisdom within the pages today.

Take stock of your routine.  The average day is the harvest of thousands of thoughts, desires, longings, repression, or expressions over your lifetime.  Is the harvest good?  Are you experiencing joy in these average days that are passing you by?

Are you noticing the simple pleasures?  The way the light is streaming in the window?  The smell of your flowers in the garden?  Do you pay attention to those nudgings that encourage you to pick up the phone and make a call to a friend, or the one that says, Stop and just take a breath, or are you muttering over the list of to dos that aren’t getting done or frowning with frustration at the world?

It is important to recognize our responsibility in harvesting our best life.  Let us be sure we are taking small steps to create our best day, in spite of things we have no control over. 

Direction:  West.  It’s time for a “Time Out”.  Fall into your comfortable chair and look over what you have done so far.  Look over what you have placed your attention on in the summer.  Is it coming to fruition?  Is it worth your continued time and efforts?  Are you proud of what you are doing with this one precious life?

Do you see this in relationship to your connection to the Divine?  Give your life to that which is greater than yourself.  Time is all we have.  Let us use it well.

In Honor of My Mother In Law Suzanne

When I wrote my last blog, my first 2018 post, I had no way of knowing what was about to happen.  Frankly, I couldn't have imagined it even if I tried.  On January 11th, suddenly and out of the blue, my mother-in-law Suzanne died.  She had struggled with dementia for several years and was living in a residential care home but by all accounts, she was healthy in body.  When we received the call she was being transported to the hospital we simply thought she would be evaluated and then treated and sent home. 

Instead, we arrived to wait.  We were asked to wait for over an hour, presumably due to the large number of flu patients arriving in a steady stream.  When we finally were ushered back to another private waiting room, we were greeted by a doctor and a social worker.  As soon as I saw her walking in, with her badge visible, and I read "MSW", I knew.  But I still hadn't formulated the sentence 'Sue is dead'  in my mind.  Then the doctor began to speak. 

He told us when Sue arrived to the hospital she was already breathing her last breaths.  The hospital ER staff were aware of her DNR status and thankfully were prepared to honor her wishes.  They waited with her while she took her lasts breaths.  She did not suffer as far as we could tell.  She simply decided it was time to go.

Now, the only critique I offered to the hospital staff was that they should have taken me back to her when I first arrived.  I imagine they thought I would freak out watching them do nothing to save her.  What they didn't know, and couldn't know, is my hospice training as a medical social worker.  They couldn't know the number of people I have sat with as they took their last breath.  They just assumed it would be too difficult to watch.  And so it happened that my mother-in-law died in the hospital, without ever using hospice care, my specialty. 

My husband, Bob, and I spent a couple of hours with his mom in a private room in the ER.  The chaplain came and prayed for Suzanne and with us.  We were stunned and we were numb in a way.  Our thoughts were a jumbled mess.  Needless to say, but our life was turned upside down, even to this day.  Last weekend, Bob observed that it had only been three months since the death, but in many ways it seems so much longer.  Those of you who have experienced the death of one for whom you carried the responsibility for all their legal and day to day needs, will understand what we have been dealing with since her death.

She did not have a large estate.  Hers was a fairly simple settling of affairs.  But I can assure you that even a small estate leads to a tremendous amount of effort and time.  As we wind our way out of April, we are almost done with the tasks.  We are still in the process of grieving and we are still in the process of letting go.  And, I myself, find myself almost ready to get back to Integrative Wisdom.

This blog represents that first small step.  It has been a hell of a few months.  But, and this is key, Suzanne is now beginning a whole new adventure in a whole new place, enjoying eternal time with her sisters who went before and her husband, and especially I think, her parents.  What a grand reunion they have had, I am sure.  I am blessed by the fact that we have no regrets when recalling her last few years and how we were able to say yes to the obligations that presented themselves.

We did good.

As I move forward, I am excited to take up where I left off on January 10th.  Integrative Wisdom has a story to share as well and I will be telling that tale here.  Keep an eye out as it is a great story of a huge leap of faith.  I bet many of you can identify with that moment of finding yourself stepping out on the ledge...

In Honor of Suzanne. April 20, 1928 - January 11, 2018

What Will Make This Year A Happy One For YOU?

Happy New Year.  How many times have you said that in the last few days?  A simple declarative statement right?  I dare to say NO.  This simple phrase that we say with such apparent delight is really one filled with expectations and angst.  We hope it will be a happy new year.  We pray it will be so.  But have we taken the time to ask ourselves what that means to us?  And more importantly, have we taken the time to explore our responsibilities to make it a happy one?

So much of our day to day is spent in a bit of a fog, if we are to be truly honest with ourselves.  We allow the day to progress without paying attention, without participating fully.  We fail to get to know ourselves and how our beliefs and habits underlie much of our existence.  We fail to trust that we do have a part to play in creating our best life.  If I were to ask you, What do you need or want to make this day a happy one, what would you say?  And what would you be willing to do to make it happen?

Herein lies the rub.  Are you taking the steps needed to fulfill your heart's desires?  If not, what is stopping you?  Fear?  Lack?  Lethargy?  Disbelief?  Grief?  Getting to the bottom of our true selves takes time.  It takes commitment.  Sometimes it takes a companion and guide.

That's why Integrative Wisdom exists.  Back in 2001 I was given a dream to live.  In fits and starts I have been following that dream.  This year I am stepping into the dream become real.  That is my responsibility to claim.  The whole story will be told, bit by bit as this year unfolds.  In the meantime, I hope you consider taking part in waking up to your unique new year.  Take time to step into the silence and listen.  Examine what your strengths and your limitations are.  Commit to taking action daily so that no matter what happens this year, you can say with complete sincerity that you have played your part fully.  You have participated in living the life you desire.  You are walking your walk.

If you find you could use a bit of guidance and support, please reach out to me.  I am here for you.