In Honor of My Mother In Law Suzanne

When I wrote my last blog, my first 2018 post, I had no way of knowing what was about to happen.  Frankly, I couldn't have imagined it even if I tried.  On January 11th, suddenly and out of the blue, my mother-in-law Suzanne died.  She had struggled with dementia for several years and was living in a residential care home but by all accounts, she was healthy in body.  When we received the call she was being transported to the hospital we simply thought she would be evaluated and then treated and sent home. 

Instead, we arrived to wait.  We were asked to wait for over an hour, presumably due to the large number of flu patients arriving in a steady stream.  When we finally were ushered back to another private waiting room, we were greeted by a doctor and a social worker.  As soon as I saw her walking in, with her badge visible, and I read "MSW", I knew.  But I still hadn't formulated the sentence 'Sue is dead'  in my mind.  Then the doctor began to speak. 

He told us when Sue arrived to the hospital she was already breathing her last breaths.  The hospital ER staff were aware of her DNR status and thankfully were prepared to honor her wishes.  They waited with her while she took her lasts breaths.  She did not suffer as far as we could tell.  She simply decided it was time to go.

Now, the only critique I offered to the hospital staff was that they should have taken me back to her when I first arrived.  I imagine they thought I would freak out watching them do nothing to save her.  What they didn't know, and couldn't know, is my hospice training as a medical social worker.  They couldn't know the number of people I have sat with as they took their last breath.  They just assumed it would be too difficult to watch.  And so it happened that my mother-in-law died in the hospital, without ever using hospice care, my specialty. 

My husband, Bob, and I spent a couple of hours with his mom in a private room in the ER.  The chaplain came and prayed for Suzanne and with us.  We were stunned and we were numb in a way.  Our thoughts were a jumbled mess.  Needless to say, but our life was turned upside down, even to this day.  Last weekend, Bob observed that it had only been three months since the death, but in many ways it seems so much longer.  Those of you who have experienced the death of one for whom you carried the responsibility for all their legal and day to day needs, will understand what we have been dealing with since her death.

She did not have a large estate.  Hers was a fairly simple settling of affairs.  But I can assure you that even a small estate leads to a tremendous amount of effort and time.  As we wind our way out of April, we are almost done with the tasks.  We are still in the process of grieving and we are still in the process of letting go.  And, I myself, find myself almost ready to get back to Integrative Wisdom.

This blog represents that first small step.  It has been a hell of a few months.  But, and this is key, Suzanne is now beginning a whole new adventure in a whole new place, enjoying eternal time with her sisters who went before and her husband, and especially I think, her parents.  What a grand reunion they have had, I am sure.  I am blessed by the fact that we have no regrets when recalling her last few years and how we were able to say yes to the obligations that presented themselves.

We did good.

As I move forward, I am excited to take up where I left off on January 10th.  Integrative Wisdom has a story to share as well and I will be telling that tale here.  Keep an eye out as it is a great story of a huge leap of faith.  I bet many of you can identify with that moment of finding yourself stepping out on the ledge...

In Honor of Suzanne. April 20, 1928 - January 11, 2018