How Are You Holding Up?

Well, this is no April Fool's joke.  We are on restriction.  No going out except for serious needs.  What an abrupt change.  We, born here in the United States, have most likely never imagined ourselves in this predicament.  How could we have imagined our most cherished identities taken away from us so quickly! 

Our identity.  Who we have imagined ourselves to be.  How we have affixed a sense of self worth to ourselves.  Who are we if we aren't working, aren't helping, aren't doing?  Even our roles as parents have been changed.  Everyone is being affected.  A truly challenging time.

Here's a few supportive tips for you during this time:

1.  Recognize the enormity of the times you are living in.  You are living in a historical moment of epic proportions.  You may want to begin to write your version of how things have changed for you.  A first hand report will be a true gift to the following generations.

2.  Recognize your lack of control over the bigger picture.  No matter what you do, you can't change the facts of where we find ourselves. 

3.  Accept responsibility for steps you can take to make the situation better.  Agree to follow the guidelines, the rules, the changes to your sense of American Pie freedom.  We are all in this together and have a huge responsibility to our countrymates.

4.  Practice self care.  Having a strong immune system is our best defense against COV-ID19.  Taking time to de-stress, even one breath at a time will provide your system with a break from the tension, fear and worry.  Work to build up your wellness practice, recognizing what helps you personally.

5.  Avoid being ugly, especially in social media.  We have had a steady dose of ugly for years.  Doesn't matter what side of an issue you are on.  Stay kind.  Do not retaliate, even when it's clear someone else has hit below the belt.  Yes, you can respond with dignity, stating in no uncertain terms your wisdom.  But, please keep the energy you carry around, healthy and kind.

6.  Consider taking some time to get to know yourself on a deeper level.  With such a huge shift in our daily activities, this may be the time to grow in consciousness and awareness.  Find an online program to guide your growth.  Of course, Integrative Wisdom is here for you as well.

7.  Find ways to stay connected to family and friends.  Of course there are many platforms for this.  But remember the older folks may need a bit of guidance in this area.  Maybe you are the one who can teach them some new tricks.

8.  Recognize when your mind is taking you down the rabbit hole of fear.  Whew, this one is really important.  There is very little chance you haven't felt afraid.  I think we all find ourselves wondering what in the world will happen to us and to our lives.  Let's nip the fear in the bud quickly, acknowledging there is no way to be certain.  For now, we simply recognize our fear and then send it off with a breath...

9.  Practice staying in the now.  This is really helpful to assuage our fears.  For now, we are ok.  In this moment, I am well.  For right now, I can appreciate much.

10.  And to round out the tips to ten,  why not practice counting to ten when you find yourself on a short fuse.  It is not hard to imagine how many of us might be losing our tempers, perhaps many times a day.  The old adage, Count to Ten, is very valid. 

So, there we have ten tips that might help someone cope a bit better during this pandemic.  In addition to this blog, Integrative Wisdom is also posting a video a day on FB, to offer education, support, encouragement and inspiration to as many people as possible.

Here's the weekly schedule:

Monday: Today's Office View, a video to highlight the beauty around, no matter where we are working.

Tuesday:  Integrative Wisdom, videos that offer education and information on a holistic approach to being in the world.

Wednesday:  The Soul Catalyst Card Deck program, drawing a card and sharing tips on how to create a healing practice.

Thursday:  Elder Care Coaching and Consulting, videos on how to navigate both caregiving and being an elder in today's world.

Friday:  Recap Day, answering questions and addressing any issues that may have come up during the previous week.

It is my hope that Integrative Wisdom will find a larger audience, finding those who will benefit from the support.  Please consider sharing with your friends.  Here's a link to my meditation on Insight Timer that offers a bit of quiet time for you during these tough times:

A Meditation of Support

Also, here's a link to the FB videos:

VernaFisherIntegrativeWisdom

Finally, here's a link to videos on my YouTube channel:

Integrative Wisdom on YouTube

And lastly, offering you a bit of beauty and hope as well:

In love and light,

Your Soul Catalyst,

Verna

Grief Demands A Voice

Today I noticed my nephew posted on social media about the memories of his life prior to the death of his wife popping up on his news feed and how these memories  were “kicking his butt”, or something to that effect.  And as I looked at the photo he shared, I was brought back to that time, before his wife died, and how things were.  Looking at the photo, recalling the first time I saw it, I was transported back into the happiness of the moment.  Yes, that feeling was followed by the sadness of knowing she is no longer alive.  But, I was so grateful for the opportunity to remember her and the joy and the laughter and the love.  And in some strange way, even grateful for the sadness of missing her.

Here in our mainstream culture, it is not seemly to allow the death of someone close to us to take up too much of our most valuable time.  Hence the admonitions to “get on with your life”, to “get over it”, to “buck up”, and the like are often bandied about to those who are grieving.  Most of the time, it’s because they don’t like to feel those difficult emotions.  And we who have experienced loss would agree.  We don’t want to remember what we no longer have.  We want to pretend as if we can get on with life just fine.  Our loved one is lost to us.  And since we can’t find them again, we should move on.  We want this for those we love too.  Let’s face it, we don’t want to see them cry, much less bawl their eyes out expressing raw emotion.

Today’s post reflects on a few things that have come together for me this week.  First, I am two-thirds of the way through Stephen Jenkinson’s book, Die Wise.  https://orphanwisdom.com/

This book is not for the casual reader. Stephen writes deep and he takes you along for that dive.  Second, to give my brain a break, I started reading a book about Margaret Fuller.  Well, as synchronicity would have it, the book begins with her death.  And not just her death, but her death by drowning at sea with no body to be found, no body to grieve over.  Holy Moly.

And third, I am working on my next Integrative Wisdom gathering, “Grief Demands a Voice”.  As I place myself in the dream time and imagine what shape this gathering will take, my heart and my soul are plunged into our society’s struggle with these deep feelings we hold and hide.  We shove them deep into our own sea of forgetting, hesitant to hold them up into the light, fearful we won’t survive the depths of sorrow we find there.

I wonder if you might be surprised to learn that the sorrow, just because it is buried, has not died.  It is still very much alive and still demands attention and respect and VOICE.  Hence, the title of the gathering.  If you were to allow yourself to think about the last person close to you who died, what would those thoughts entail?  Would it be a laundry list of facts about the person, mundane details of how they lived and died, or would your thoughts turn to your relationship with them? 

 

My Dad Harvey

In my many years of hospice work as a medical social worker, it always surprised me that in general, we seem to think people will get nicer, kinder, smarter, wiser, more loving, etc. as they get closer to death.  Family members would ask me if this was true.  I would have to be honest with them and say that in general, people die the way they lived.  This can lead to lots of unresolved pain too.  Holding on to that kind of memory can increase the suffering felt by the one left behind.  Yet, what options do we have since our loved one is “lost” to us in death. 

Stephen says that our society has been working to get to “less dying”, as if that is somehow possible.  We put off having discussions about our dying, we pretend that those with a terminal diagnosis are doing “fine", we don’t talk about dying to those dying because we are afraid we will cause them to give up trying not to die while all the time they are still dying.  And in doing this dance of deception, important moments are stolen from us he says.  Stephen says we have sorrow and grieving and knowing about our dying stolen from us by our refusal to give any of this a voice.

In hospice, once a year we would hold a celebration of remembrance and invite the families of our deceased patients to attend.  As a speaker, I would acknowledge the importance of coming to such an event to honor their loved one, but I would then remind them that their grieving was not over.  As much as they would like to turn away from this pain, the sorrow and grieving are part of the mystery and gift of loving.  And I would encourage them to continue this path of mourning.

I guess that is what I am doing by offering this gathering.  I am encouraging you to step once again into the boat and sail once again into the sea of grief.  Give voice to your deceased beloved and allow them to communicate with you once more.  Honor your grieving.  Honor your sorrow.  Trust your wisdom that you have feelings or memories or thoughts that beg for expression in a safe place.  Let your memories of happiness and joy and love find expression here, even in death.

Grief Demands A Voice is offered November 3rd, 2018 from 10 am to 3 pm here at The Center of Creative Transformation in Escondido, Ca. $50 for the day.  Lunch included.  Details of how to prepare for the day will be sent upon registration.

And if you can’t join us here at The Center of Creative Transformation, please do find a safe place and continue to honor your expression of grief and loss for those who have died.